GuitarAngel.net

This just hasn't been my week. And honestly, I really don't care if someone reads this and thinks "Omg, this person is so shalloowww" or whatever...because this is a blog...this is a journal...this is my freakin' website and I can do whatever the crap I want with it. You honestly can't expect people to be perfect and hold every emotion inside of them and not complain about life once in a while when they are down and out. I understand that it gets annoying when some people constantly rag on themselves 24/7 about how sucky their lives are...but give the rest of us a break ok? Why can't we also have the right to cry over something stupid or *ahem* make a list of crappy things that we hate about relationships?

Its not like I think the world is coming to an end or that my life is the most horrible on the planet...because honestly, its not. There are millions of people out there who are in seriously worse situations than I am so I really don't have the right to say my life sucks. But I believe that I am entitled to at least get it out of my system and get over it. Everyone has these moments, its just a fact of life. The majority of the people that visit my site don't even know me in person...so don't you dare judge me and tell me that I'm shallow and that all I think about is how crappy my past relationships were when you've never even MET me. Seriously, how shallow are YOU being?

Now that I've said that...I'm going to keep going with my thoughts. I'm having a character crisis. It's been coming on for a while because of different things that have happened recently in my life...but I just think its because of how the past three days have been that my stress level has sky-rocketed. This whole college experience is just so new to me, I'm still in adjusting mode. And surprisingly its not the living on my own deal at all...its just the people and confrontations that have changed drastically from when I was still in public school and living with my family.

I always thought that I was good with change. I mean, moving to a new place (country even) every 2-ish years of your life makes you learn how to adapt really quickly to any given situation. Your lifestyle, your friends, the pace things go, the way things work...it all changes and that stuff is pretty easy to mesh into your life after you start to get into the flow of things. You learn to live a college life...paying for your own food and clothes and rent, meeting new people left and right all the time and sharing a living space with someone who isn't an immediate family member...the homework load you have and working out when you have to study and when you can chill out...just the way it all is given to you.

Over the years I've built myself a little happy bubble that I can keep safe in. It helps me through the hard times that have happened lately (especially in 2003) and, for lack of a better term, is kind of comparable to a computer. Since I'm a geek by heart I'll explain simplified Geekinese....every new experience and place I find myself in is like a new program or something you load up and install. You learn how to use it and get pretty comfortable with it and its features, etc. But if there's a bug in that program (meaning something goes wrong with that new experience or place) and it starts spreading itself around like a virus would...destroying bits and pieces of your whole system and literally killing you...then the only smart thing to do would be to try a System Restore, which can restore your entire computer back to the way it was on a certain date or checkpoint.

What I mean by this is that when something bad would happen to me I would figure it out and get over it by "restoring" myself emotionally back to the way I was before it ever happened. That happy bubble helps to do so...because no matter what happens to me I can get back into my bubble and no one can touch me or hurt me at all. It's because I realize that its not worth it to keep beating on myself constantly about things that have wrecked my life before. Even though I might remember the harsh moments once in a while...dwell on them for a few minutes...it doesn't impact my life and I am overall remotely stable. Some people don't really understand that...like "Anne" who commented on my Relationships List and told me I was shallow and needed to get a life. I admit that I was in one of those moments where I was dwelling on past hurts but it's nothing that I will think about for hours and cry and pity myself for long periods of time. Like I said before...no one is perfect...quit trying to tell them they have to be. We have these moments in order to grow and get over them. Some things take much longer to get over then others...just because its more reasonable or spiritual to forget it ever happened...that's just not humanly possible...and anyone who says otherwise is a serious hypocrite.

So I will now dive down into the depths of despair and hopelessness (note cynicism) and give myself a 2-minute-pity-party. Anyone wanna come? Feel free...lol. Ok then, here we go.....something that I think of as slightly depressing is the fact that it is extremely difficult to find someone I would consider date-able around here...or around anywhere for that matter. I know what I want...or at least I know different specifications and stuff...I happen to have high standards, so unfortunately it rules out alot of guys for me. Now these standards aren't looks-related...looks are just a plus...I'm actually more physically attracted to the people that most would consider to be semi-good-looking, that if you see a picture of him you would say "Not bad" or something like that..."hot guys" are off limits to me...I've never desired a "hot guy"...mostly because I'm not a "hot girl"...and I like it that way. And what I mean by a hot guy is when you first see him you're like "wow, he's really hot"...its all in the initial impression. I'd rather be impressed by humor, intelligence and nice-ness rather then hot-ness. Make sense? I hope so. If you're still reading this right now then I have to give major kudos to you...you are a saint, really. ^-^

But seriously...the one thing that I ultimately find rules out most guys for me (and most often turns them away from wanting to date me or be around me) is the fact that I'm not planning on having sex until I get married and I'm not a big fan of being friends with benefits. I tried that once and it was the most horrible experience of my life...and I mean the friends with benefits thing, lol. I'm a virgin, and I'm not ashamed to say it. I hate it when guys find that out and think its a "challenge" or something. I guess its a good thing to sift out all the people who are just looking for a few make out sessions versus an actual relationship that will remain a pretty pure one. I have serious boundaries...ask any ex-boyfriend of mine....and I don't cross them. I don't like to throw kissing around either...I'll only kiss someone I have feelings for and who I care about. So you can tell that it doesn't include a random person that I would meet at a party or something that I would date for a day or two and then throw myself into first hand major kissing stuff. I treasure it all a bit more than that. Most guys think that's stupid...but I guess I'm just waiting for the one rare guy on this planet that respects me and won't give me crap for it.

But of course...that doesn't mean it isn't hard for me to have those beliefs. Its so difficult when I meet a guy that I get interested in and then he leaves me in the dust when he finds out about my whole no-sex-rule thing. I know that there are people who sleep together, etc, and are in great and wonderfully stable relationships that will end up lasting forever...but its been my experience that when the physical starts overtaking the emotional core of the relationship...it doesn't end up lasting. I want to be able to share my dreams, goals, beliefs and thoughts fully with someone before I share my body. Is that too much to ask? Really...is it too much to ask to actually have a pure relationship where all you want to do is to hang out with that person as much as you can...get to know them more than anyone else...go places and do things that would be hard to share with anyone other than that one person.

I want that type of relationship where you are so into each other that waiting to be together and/or to have sex isn't so hard to do...because you have your whole life...you have all the time in the world...if you were meant to be together then you should experience everything like it is something new. Taking it all slow and laid back...enjoying every second of the moments you are with that person. Isn't that just so much better to experience each other in full emotion and life than in just physical pleasure? Sex is just a plus...just an attribute to a relationship...it shouldn't define it....shouldn't be the main reason you are with someone....it shouldn't be the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of that person...because if that is so, then what is holding you together? What is the glue that keeps you with that person besides a few petty hopes and nights of temporary pleasure? Yes, its temporary. The physical effects of sex, etc, wear off after a while. Emotion does not. I would personally rather experience sex and intimacy when I have a ring of promise on my finger that the guy I'm with will really love me and be with me forever. I can't believe in just the words "I love you"...I have to know by the ring...by the self-sacrifice...by everything.

I'll give you more props if you've actually read all that I've written in this entry. I'm probably going to end up breaking it up into sections and posting them on my site as something having to do with my beliefs. This definitely made me feel better about what I've been dealing with lately...thanks for reading.